I was 18 years old. I had the car, the girlfriend, the job, and I was off to college to start my training for a career in painting and illustration. I was about half way through my first semester when I had this weird pain in my leg. I remember talking to my step-grandmother at my family's restaurant and saying to her "I better go to the doctor and get this checked out. Mom will think its cancer or something".
Up to that point cancer had already invaded my family physically and emotionally. Three grandparents had passed away from some form of it and at the time my aunt was just diagnosed with it. The anxiety of it affected my family and we questioned everything.
So I went and my doctor gave me some pills for the pain suggesting from the symptoms and location it could be juvenile onset arthritis or something. The pain seemed to be coming from the knee and off an on for the next two weeks even with the medication, it still came. I remember my leg throbbing one night so bad it woke me out of my sleep. My mother found me in our living room with my feet in one of those massage foot bath things. It vibrated up my leg and felt a little better, but not much.
I made another appointment. This time my doc ordered an X-ray after I told him the pain was getting worse. What were the chances of it being anything bad?
I remember being in the office and looking at the X-ray with my doctor. I remember him calling my mother. It was an emotional ride from that point. Within a month's time I had to really grow up and face a reality that most don't face until later on in life. Mortality.
I had another X-Ray done and my Doctor told my Dad "Get him out of this area". He referred us a great doctor in Philly that would know exactly what to do. My dad found out he did tons of these surgeries every year and he was probably the best on the coast.
We got to Philly and found out my insurance wouldn't cover me there.
The best was just dangled in our faces. Now we have to work backwards? He was a very gracious doctor. He took us in for a consultation anyway and from the looks of the X-ray confirmed it to be Ewing’s Sarcoma. He left the office to get some information for us for a doctor he knew that he considered to be very good. I sat there blankly staring out in to the buildings of Philadelphia. Both my dad and I were so quiet. I’ll never forget that moment.
I can now look back and only imagine what my dad was thinking. There he was with possibly the best doctor for his son and we were being turned away. When the doctor came back in he bluntly asked him about this new doctor he was now referring us to. "If it was your son..."
"I would trust him with my own son", he said. "He's very good."
So off we were to Hershey, PA. We were lost in the Bermuda Triangle of Cancer. We went Southeast to West then back North to home again with some answers. My new doctor took the time to meet us in between surgeries and told us what we needed to do.
From there, it was research and prayers. We met my oncologist and we were on our way to learning what The Bomb and Red Death meant.
Right before my chemo started a question was raised about fertility and being able to have children. That’s what I wanted most in life….a family. I’ll leave it at I was lucky enough to bank before chemo started. The debt and anxiety that followed years later after marriage, is a whole other story for another time! As of February 2009…still trying!
It’s been so long now, but if I remember correctly it was 18 or 19 chemo treatments and 1 surgery that removed a good part of my tibia. It was replaced with a donor bone and a bunch of parts from Lowe’s. I still have some pain and I limp a tad, but it’s there.
I had an amazing experience in Hershey. They saved my life. Guided me. Helped my family and through them got a second chance at life.
It wasn’t an easy ride. I recall lots of vomiting and bad hospital smells and food. But, it could have been worse.
Everything cancer has thrown at me so far, I’ve found away around. It’s not ending, it’s limiting and if you can face it with that idea, it’s a benefit. I struggled a while. Not so much with the ‘why me’ kind of questions, but just the reality that it happened and a reality of mortality that set in.
But there’s a lyric to a song I like that says “Oh, how wrong we were to think that immortality meant never dying” I came to the realization that I will die. We all die. But we can create things that can last forever. Pieces of us will live on. Through art, through memories, through children, through words.
So in a sense, I’ve come to realize….. we are immortal.
Facing death at such an early age made me grow up and appreciate life so much more.
I've learned that tomorrow is promised to no one. Life is so precious and short. We must appreciate it, celebrate it, and push it to the limits…because we only get one chance at it.
I’d be lying to say almost 13 years later everything is peachy. It’s not. It hasn’t been. I face everyday wondering what if? There are chances of hereditary cancer. Ewing’s was just dumb luck. Something about the 11th and 22nd chromosome switching spots or some garbage like that. And, what about side effects from chemo? Heart problems! Kidney problems! I have anxiety about all of these things and fight it every single day.
But, I could get hit by a bus tonight on my way home from work, too. So, who knows?
Life is a gamble. We are all promised a lifetime. No where does it say how long it has to be. It’s our responsibility to make sure how full it is.
Maybe it will be cancer. Maybe it will be a heart attack. Maybe it will be that bus. Just make sure what you leave behind has been good and make sure it was filled with good things.
Keith Perks
February 2009 |
